Infedility

You..

Gave me excuses

You...

Dont love me the way I am...

You...

Put up excuses even when you know your wrong...

You...

Playing by guilt...

You...

Dont love me as much as you use too...

You...

Cant seem to find a way to deal with it better...

You..

Will find a way to blame me when its your problem to solve...

You...

Are worthless...

Alhamdullilah~

InsyAllah~

Alhamdullilah~

biar ia walaupun sekejap....
cukup bermakna buatku kini...

KepadaMu aku mengadu...

Ya Allah...

hanya Kau sahaja yg tahu isi hati ini...
berilah aku ilham agar aku dapat selesaikan segala kesakitan di hati ni
berilah aku kekuatan agar dapat melalui ujianMu ini dgn baik...

jika ia untukku permudahkanlah...
jika ia bukan untukku permudahkanlah ia berlalu pergi....

Ya Allah....

janganlah biar aku jauh dariMu
kerana dalam hati ini hanya Engkau yg tahu...

Ya Allah....

jauhkanlah aku dr segala kesulitan agar aku dapat berkata yg benar dgn jelas...
jauhkanlah segala tipu daya dan alasan yg tidak munasabah...

Ya Allah....

tenangkanlah hatiku menanti hari-hari akan datang...
aku tahu aku bersalah...
tp aku juga tahu aku betul jika aku ingin rapat kembali dgnMu....

Ya Allah....

kepadamu aku berserah....
kerana hidup matiku terletak ditanganMu....

berilah aku kekuatan.....

Bila da saket hati

Bila da saket hati...

Memang rasa tertekan sangat2...

Cakap tak pikir...

Sekarang antara maafkan atau tidak...

Sabar aku ada hadnya...

Malu aku pun ada hadnya....

Bila da saket hati...

Memang sungguh rasa nak putus asa...

Penat mengharap...

Takde motivasi....

Aku pun bley cakap sedap aku jugak...

Ape ingat aku memain?

Ape ingt aku xkumpul kekuatan nak mengaku?

Bodoh betol

First Day Syawal

NOT very Excited about Raya anymore!!!!!

sia2 je semangat....
all i have now is to keep positive for the upcoming days
seems tired of the same charade...
keeps happening again and again...

dont worry Nana...
someday it will be better...

all those negative remarks will be swallowed in the end

haih~

Dan Sesungguhnya Aku.....

Dan Sesungguhnya Aku..

Tiada Perasaan Meniti Hari-hari yang Datang...

Melihat Sahabat Handai Bergembira...

Melihat Keluarga Bersiap Sedia....

Dan Sesungguhnya Aku....

Hilang Jiwa Untuk Bergembira....

Hilang Jua Untuk Bersedih...

Hanya Menanti Hari itu Tiba....

Bukan aku xbersyukur dengan apa yang berlaku...tp at some point bila da terlampau risau dan takut dgn apa yg akan berlaku,lama2 diri ini menjadi pasif kepada keadaan...pasif juga kepada perasaan sendiri...tp....sayang itu masih ada pada diri untuk menyayangi insan2 lain....

Aku xpandai berbicara kini setelah pelbagai peristiwa dalam hidup ini berlaku..kini aku sering ditimpa kerisauan walhal sebenanrnya aku tidak peduli...dunia semakin kejam dgn manusia yg makin lama mementing diri...dunia juga makin rosak dgn manusia yg terlalu lalai meneliti kebaikan sesuatu kejadian yg sememangnya perlu dijadikan iktibar....


Hidup ini hanya sekejap...

Perlukah aku berpuitis agar kau memahami?


Selama ini aku hanya mampu diam dan berbicara dalam bahasa bukan ibundaku kerana kuatir,kamu semua akan salah sangka...demi itu juga aku mahu menjaga hati insan2 lain...kerana aku fikir ada faedahnya pada aku..tp aku silap....manusia tetap manusia...hanya mampu gertak tp xpandai bertindak....sering sembunyi disebalik keselesaan yang kau alami sampaikn kau
takut utk meneroka keluasan dunia....

The world is wide...

The world is vast...

There are many places to go....

And secrets to unveil...

Yet some of us choose to live in our own comfort...

And be synical to others who have the courage to walk free...

Terlampau banyak prejudis...
Sehingga aku juga menjadi satu...

"If you tried so hard to find the monster, you eventually become one...."

Aku perlu bangkit dr semua ini...
Kekuatanku hanya Allah sahaja yg mampu beri...
Kerana Dialah keyakinan aku pada diri xpernah luntur...
dan sesungguhnya aku......













xkan biar kau PIJAK kepala aku lagi....




*Selamat Hari Raya dan Maaf Zahir Batin....
Hati dan Jiwa itu milik Allah....
Kepada Dia kita datang
Dan Kepada Dia jua kita pergi

Akan Rindu pada ketenangan Ramadhan.....

Life is Hard

Complaining on Ramadhan?

What a Loser...

huhuhuhu....

felt so down and frustrated right now...

Everyone looking forward for Syawal...

horray for them!

Jealous.......

I realize right now the disadvantage of my final semester....too BORING!...I'm thinking of doing business..cant wait! but there's so much money and time to consider...especially now is not a good time..sigh~

I really hope this current Ramadhan will be better than the last...its all the same shit all over...its no fun at all....all the lies and complaining and the constant embarrassment...shame on you!...

Ya Allah,give me strength

Ive been too far away from you...and I know the reason why....

I dont know where to go

I dont know what to do

I dont know why it happen suddenly

I dont know how to deal with it

I dont know who to turn to except You....

Seriously....

I'm too embarassed...

;(

who?

Who do you turn to when the the only person who can stop you
from crying

is the one who made you cry?

I'll save you

I wont forget you, I'll try to save you...

Creep

Owh dear heart of mine...
How fragile you are in this worried times...

Owh dear eyes of mine...
How much would you suffer the ever lasting flow of tears...

I cant tell you how much pain I'm feeling right now...

I cant tell you how much I miss everything right now...

Have you ever wonder yourself to sleep when this feeling will go away? when our to tired to worry about others and selfishly only to yourself?

Have you ever wonder the pain in others peoples lives? when they try to reach for someone whos not even there?

Is it wrong to feel this way?

Ya Allah...bukan niat ku untuk mengeluh...

tabahkanlah hatiku untuk segala ujianMu...

hanya Engkaulah yg Maha Mengetahui isi hati ini....

hanya Engkaulah yg Maha Memahami apa yg diingini...

dan hanya Engkaulah yg Maha Bijaksana dalam segala penentuan...

Yess....

I know I'm not that cheerful girl youve always see

the one who cracks lewd jokes and smiles carefree...

Nope...

I'm not as strong as I used to be...dont have much strengh in my heart to deal with inconsiderate behaviour....

A point to ponder...

When you have so much inside of your heart and head, would you have the strengh to compromise with others?

I Love The Way You Lie

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts,
Just gonna stand there and watch me cry,
But that's all right because I love the way you lie....

Sometimes the simplest songs can reflect at how you feel...Sometimes some song just got stuck in your head, you cant help but wonder what the singers or composers are trying to tell...many of us dwell on things we cant rather understand and be stuck with it for long time...you forgot to let it go....

In this life we hold on to whats dear in our life to stay strong...be it lovable family and close friendships, we tend to stay within those comfort zone....it's safe to say we are always afraid to get hurt or feel isolated and insecure....those are the most common thing I've ever seen trough out my life f 22....

when you look in the
mirror

, tell me what you
see...

Few of us look trough mirror and admit what we see...we never really see ourselves more often then the usual usual claims of those who doenst want to hurt us...we wrap ourselves with their expectations...and somewhat agreeable to all that doesnt really matter...looks, wealth, attitude....we are deceived by our own self proclaim....

A few times in my life that Ive seen another self in my reflection...on all occasion, it projects all the feelings that Ive kept inside and to pround or shy to be told to anyone...

The first occasion was when I was a little girl, around 4-5 years of age...when I look trough the mirror, I could see myself....shirt straight hair,chubby and skinny in the most funniest way...hyper and free...stubborn and annoying...as well as protective to the people surrounds me....I never did worry about anything back then but somehow I always felt an itch....something disturbing for the coming years....


The second occasion is when I was around 11-16 years of age...the face has utterly change..and looks older than it should be...my hair was thinning...my eye bags starts to show...worry and confusion traces are all over the face....those are the years when I started feeling betrayed and isolated in a room full of people...

The third occasion, 17-19 of age....I cant see my face...just the particulars such as eyes and hair....I cant understand back then but I think there was an event that I was pretty much hurt...and that was the first time I lost a good friend....and it was the first time I was fooled by the people I trust..guess I was too ashamed to look at myself for having foolishly step on and used so easily by others....

The forth occasion, 19-21 of age...my reflection is someone else...I see by hair is short..i'm wearing spectacles..and I look chinese..hahaha....its so absurd I always catch myself smiling at my own reflection...who knew that person will be my first love? (>_<)

Right now, I'm seeing myself clearly and need clarification on who I am...am I really that nice, too naive? too agreeable? what are really my flaws? what are my values?....am I worth saving? am I important to anybody?

I for one loves who I am eventhough occasionaly I do hate myself..its a love-hate tragedy and I dont think it will change much the coming years.....its hard to change you you are when you dont know what your worth....how would changing yourself change others preception? how would it satisfy you? if changing is possible,does it matter to have a stand ground? are you really yourself....? so much questions to ponder right? i guess time will tell....

If you love yourself , be true to yourself....you'll never some time or another, you'll need it....it's the original that we always look for.....and there's nothing wrond to it...I know it.....but it makes you a better person...i guess its worth a try....better person,better life...

people move at their own time and pace, let them be for awhile

Airplanes

Its funny how you purposely lash out on me so you could have your way...

Its funny because it was all done for the sake of confort...

Some people demand too much they forgot to give what it takes to deserve it...

But I guess when you tried too hard, it wont be enough...

Missing you

as the rain clouds past me by

as the sounds of the birds fills the skies

i miss you....

i miss you....

when the trees starts swaying

when the rains stops draining

i miss you....

i miss you....

if the time can be turn

if the world can stop spinning

if i could right next to you

if your here with me

come back to me

i miss you...

i miss you...

-Darariah, 22/7/2010-

Mad for being perfect

It's funny how simple conversations can make you mad and depress....you barely notice it at first but the moment it seeps through,its like poison...a poison that devours you slowly ad steadily youd wish it would hurry and kill you with and instant death...

How i wish everything was as simple and likeble...even the slightest misunderstanding/ mistake or misconception would bother me right now...its not hard to admit that have no personal grudge towards others people annoying behavior...but i do have a hard time forgetting/forgiving someone for thier bad treatment of me...

for instance,

during my secondary school days, i was a complete freak you can call 'too different'...im the kind of girl that would rather read books than watching tv, i love hanging out with boys than girls,im too obedient, i too shallow and i'd prefer to be friends with people who are interested in me rather than having a awkward conversation...beig true to myself..thats a person that i'll always be because thats me...


people judge me the moment they see or hear my name...trust me, its not easy to have an adverb as a name...people always make fun of it as if it a joke or would hate me for it since they have to call me 'Sayang'...i on the other really prefer people calling me 'Nana' or 'Syazanna' ....whats the big deal? i love my name and i hate it when people have the nerve tell me they have a problem calling me 'Sayang'' since their not single anymore...what a load of bull....some people just tajea look at me and say that im obnoxious...whatever...some even had the nerve to yell/make faces/tengking/jeling or whatever rude remarks too me...and i have absolutely no idea why since i cant recall what did i ever do to them...i am a lone ranger you know..what could i do to deserve that kind of treatment?.....


and the funny thing is...they keep coming and suddenly were 'best friends!'..

another bull....


people lie to me because i'm too trustfull
people took advantage of me because i'm too nice
people hate me if i speak my mind
people doubt me because i'm small...

but somehow they expect me to be PERFECT

i hate to complain the same ting over and over but its just soo frustrating!!!!

when all the while i thought i could stay, i'll suddenly be kicked out....
when all the while i thought i could trust, i'll be taken advantage of...
when all the while i thought i could be myself, i'll get stabbed in the back....

why is it so hard to find someone who really appreciates you for who you are....no matter how hard you fall or how hard you climb...it would be nice to have someone to share it with...without worrying about being judge, inferior or hurt?.......its always have been the same cycle and im so tired of it....

i know lately im dont sound happy as i used too...but what else do i have right now?
sometimes somethings happen too much....

Hate is a strong word

hate everybody right now

because everybody wants me to be perfect

one flaw than i'm gone

all my efforts puff!!!

whatever

someday you'll need me

and on that day i'm gone

Round and round

within a few weeks...will be the last round of life as a university student...

waaaaaa~

i'll honestly admit i'll miss UTP...

but cant talk about it now since i'm still in UTP...

there are some things ive been bothered recently...

i keep feeling scared....

imagine yourslef feeling so insecure of your life,every bits and pieces that you have will vanish..and then came the feeling of loss...i hate that feeling...i guess it goes back to the days when you were small and innocent....

a few of my friends know of my predicament...but i never once told any soul about how i really feel at that particular moment...its true when experts say, when your a children...you tend to remember what happen...even if you dont..it'll effect you later in life...

sad....

honestly...its been a long time since i felt trapped...i always tell myself...'i want to be free' but i dont know how...or wat am i supposed to be free from?...at times i would draw myself trappend in a cage with chains attached to my feet...as tough im a prisoner and theres always a chain tied up to me...its so frustrating you just want to quit...i dont see myself as a quitter...but i know one thing i seldom act due to fear of failure...

frust....

but i guess being paranoid keeps your head in life right? you look before you leap, you prevent father than cure and you do what you have to do to survive...maybe it is a blessing...and being able to keep my head strait these tough moments in my life...i know i can survive...:)

live your life to the fullest

i dont think its wrong to feel that way..but it sure helps to be more confident in life and getting to do what you always wanted to do...but then again,its always best to appreciate what you have and be gratefull about it..one day,who knows its gone forever,right?

I cant do it

I admit

I cant agree on anything

I admit

I always agree even when i dont want to

it makes me look like a fool

but some things i just cant do it...

i cant easily forget

if i dont forget, i cant easily forgive

i may not show it

or realize it

but its bothers me though

huuuu

i cant do it

especially by myself

And the worlds spins round and round

So here I am as promised...

Its been a week at home and Im starting to get the hang of it...

My cats are getting fat
My attitude is showing
My room is messy
My laptop is the best friend

and I havent had fun yet..

bohoo me~

Well...

Its not the end of life,true it does sound boring but hey, it doenst change the fact you can still have a life..right now Im just planning my future uptake and what do i have to do to achieve it...

sound like hard work?

yup!

hahaha~

been reading a lot of blogs lately and some are pretty much the same since i last visited...(like Im the one to talk)...so what and where should i start due to my long absennce in ths favourite place of mine?

first..lets talk about the absence..

I WAS TOTALLY BUSY

busy with work...not!

well..if youve been browsing the previous post..you know its not the issue...because i love having work to do even though i complaine if its a last minute job...

but what im busying myself is...

busy patching up myself
busy trying to make the best of myself
busy being a bitch..(yup...a bitch,haha!)
busy pretending
busy trying to make it right
busy understanding
busy ignoring

yeah..too much emotion up there...in fact i really dont want to write much when im emotional...because honestly..it makes me scared that i might actually regret it....worst! feeling guilty!! (buummer~~)

people can say what they want to say and i dont care....this is my blog and i dont want to be considerate with other peoples feelings when its not necessary....

thinking about it...

theres an up side and down side in this situation

up side

i totally have confidence in what i want and what i want to say..plus..by any chance/luck if people wont assume too much then they wont hurt themselves...(siapa makan cili..dia terasa pedasnya...)..=P

down side

yup...hurting others peoples feelings...in my own way let me say that i for one loves so much to speak my mind...i dont care what you say about it..if by chance ive said it out loud than well...im sorry....what im pretty sure of myself is that what i said its either what i think that will bring benefit to you or i think it doesnt suit you...hey...if your mature enough to think about..turn down your ego a bit...maybe you'll understand...=)

i admit..its been a hurtful, tiring, confusing and full of bitching this semester...i dont know if its the pressure of the next phase in life but owh dear God only you know what ive been through....

truth is...

it can be frustrating when you worked so hard to make it right but it goes unappreciated? ever felt left behind? ever felt betrayed? ever felt so low...so down upon yorself you cant really look at yourself and cant help thiking what a failure you have been?...i have...and i did...hiperbolicly, i nearly went near the edge...but alhamdullilah...You where there....

i know im not fit to be questioning too much but hey, you never know in life when at one point you'll lost trust in everyone you know..and all they want from you are mounting expectations added by pushing and shoving and blaming and well...you get the picture....

my solution right now?

ignorance...and patience.....

ignoring may not solve the problem...
ignoring may not help you deliver the message...

but thats all you have since you only got patience...since all the efforts are taken for granted....it sucks but thats life as i see it right now...

not a happy ending for me...but right now...

i'll live to see another day..God willing...insyAllah~

Its been a long update

Sorry2....err...to who?

hahaha...seems like Ive been keeping this blog for so long and thus here I am with nobody...kinda boring isnt it?

well...

im practically comfortable this way

i used to love my privacy untill someone raped me out with it...rape i tell you!

haha

now lets see...

for now i'm not updating anything much,kinda bz with my final year but hopefully next semester i'll be free enuff

i'll be your truly

i'll be rewinding the events

i'll be myself

and best of all

I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY

seyesly

my absence? was for someone

it wasnt for you

busybody.

californication

you can't have it both ways...

things will never be the same again....

Torn

I thought I saw a man brought to life

He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

He showed me what it was to cry

Well you couldn't be that man I adored

You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for

But I don't know him anymore

There's nothing where he used to lie

My conversation has run dry

That's whats going on, nothing's fine I'm torn



I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

You're a little late, I'm already torn



So I guess the fortune teller's right

Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light

To crawl beneath my veins and now

I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much

There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn



I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn.



There's nothing where he used to lie

My inspiration has run dry

That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn



I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed into something real

I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel

I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor

You're a little late, I'm already torn.

-Torn by Natalie Imbruglia-

sometimes i dont

Sometimes....

I dont know how to react with you....

Sometimes...

I dont know what to do without you....

Sometimes....

I just feel like your hiding somthing from me....

Sometimes....

I just feel like your tired of me....

Sometimes....

I feel like your comparing me with someone else...

Sometimes....

I give up to get to know you...

Sometimes...

I feel like I'm your second to nothing...

Sometimes...

I feel that you just want to control me....

Sometimes....

I feel your being unfair to be unaware of my needs

Sometimes....

When I tell you what I love....you seem to brush it away....

Sometimes...

I feel that you dont know me enough....

Sometimes.....

I miss the old you...I really do....



















I really hope I can have him back....
I promise I'll be better....
I'm really sorry....

Jaded

maybe time does tell what we really mean to a person
how they treat us as we are
how they accept us

i admit,
sumtimes i do fell like giving up...
to give up being nice
to give up putting a good front
to give up to care
to give up on havng hope

i do admit,
i've left all the things that i love to do...
like drawing views and things that i like
like singing to myself
like helping others
like watching beaches,forests and mountains
like painting a beautiful view

i feel sad because i love it so much and yet i've stopped doing all of it because some people say its a waste of time and boring....not that i blame them but i blame myself for actually following it...

its sad because i thought it was the right thing to do since they drill into your mind they want the best for u...or...is it really the best for them?

i know God gave me these trials to make me strong...
i know some people do love me the way i am....
i know i cant please everyone...

but why cant i help thinking that i've failed?

i dont like stalling
i dont like fighting
i dont like yelling
and i especially hate getting angry

because everytime i do, i tend to say and do sumthing that i'll regret

but if you dont tell then whats wrong, they'll juz consider u perfect

why cant we set our mind that nothing is perfect?

why do i feel so jaded?

why do i cry in the middle og the night?

why?

New Year, New Event

2010...

A benchmark for all the new events in my life...

UTP wise- im finally a final year student
Family wise- i dunt know which -> better or worst
Relationship wise- Alhamdullilah~
Peer wise- same status as family

Sometimes its hard living a double life...youve got fed up with all the bullshits that happening....who wants to have a poker face everytime you walk into the house and pretend everything is ok?

maybe for some people its easier to fake,for me...truth is always the best....even when it hurts...life can be unpredictable in many ways and aspects...sometimes it hurts even more when its not accepted...but on another view..you knows whos best for you.....

i dunt get it when some people have less respect for others privacy and suddenly all emotional when the truth came out....i dont feel any guilt of what i did...the truth should come out to know whos right or wrong....i cant even understand the concept of avoiding/ignoring someone juz because we owe to others...sounds childish right?

more and more i feel insecure...it saddens the most when that speacial someone have to go great lengths just so you can get it right in your head..its also a shame its done in a harsh way and u cant easily forget what they say....its a conflict that i must endure and solve myself....

i'm tired of putting myself in layers
i'm tired of lying to myself
i'm tired of letting myself endure such pain i cant even breath
i'm tired of thinking how naive and stupid i am
i'm tired of thinking my flaws and pursuing others to accept it


many people say that i'm obnoxious on my first day with them
some also say that i'm 'menyusahkan hdup' ....
its sad when i remember...
feels like your purpose in life is to 'menyusahkan hidup' of others...
i guess being independent doenst count on that...

all's all
i hope history doenst repeats itself
i hope i'm string enough to endure the pain thats coming
i hope i can let it go easily
i hope i never cross the line of sanity....

smile even when it hurts