I’m not afraid of anything,
i just need to know that i can breathe
And I don’t need much of anything
But suddenly suddenly
I am small and the world is big
All around me is fast moving
Surrounded by so many things
Suddenly suddenly..
-Avril Lavigne, How Does It Feel-
Waking in the middle of the night has been my current hobby these days….It wasn’t enough by just waking, I end up crying as well….Much things happen in my life these days…And it never occurred to me that it would happen so fast I cant breath…
Its true that it has given me so much time to write a blog.....So much that happen that I cant really described has happen and it never was much in my attention…This ends up with me crying in the middle of the night…not knowing what to do with it….
Now, I seldom sleep…To much to do with to much to think with so little time…It always end up with me crying …How lonely it feels to cry all alone with nothing to do about it....I’m even crying write now as I’m typing these words…Many won’t believe it but it seems that I made a habit out of it these days….It never was my nature to complain about life coz that’s how it is....
I realized that I never did anything about it…I never know why I was crying and I never even cared….I know I shouldn’t have…All of my life, I realized I never solved my problems…All I do was running away…. ‘Its easier’ I would say, as I kept going on with life as it is….Leaving the unsolved problems with no answers….Keeping me in questions that I don’t know or how to answer…
As I look at the great black sky outside my window, I realized that it was as black as my heart…I know now that I never considered others feelings…all I wanted was for them to understand me, to know me…but I never return the favor…how selfish a person could be? I want them to know the real me, but I kept running away…Never telling what I should be telling and kept keeping secrets…How should you know me by then?
The tongue is sharper than a sword…I know I have said many things to hurt others feelings…maybe its better that what should have not been said is left unsaid…maybe in that way…I wont feel sorry for myself as I am right now…I don’t know what to say right now because I’m feeling so confused…they say let it out, don’t keep it inside…but it never turned right…it never did…I can be as honest as I can be, but I never said honesty with the right words…
I was never confused with what I feel or what I what to tell…I know myself better than any of anyone I know in this life…what always makes me confused was how others treat me…some acted as if they really cared…but actions speak louder than words…its not that I’m not appreciating those who really cared…its just that its hard to be grateful when your so confused…
Anyone can say anything in many ways, but a true and honest person would say it right at your face, whether you like it or not…How different a person can be when you chat or send messages with them but turn out a different face in real life…how confusing could that be? Don’t say what you what to say but never making clear about it…I can’t stand it…
I cant stand liars…I have been lied to so many by others in my life its so hard to trust…Its easier to trust than have doubt to others…but its so hard to trust these days I don’t know how I could keep up with life…I have been betrayed so much in life…being used…I just cant stand it…I never thought I was that stupid until it was too late…My dad always told me when I was young, I always follow what others say without even thinking about it, so lurus, he would say…I never believed it, but now, I think he’s right…
Many have teased me for being jiwang of some sort, but at least I have the heart to express what I feel…I never really care what people said to me…I know how I felt and I’m not afraid to show it…but I really cant say it right…or even act right…I’m so used to pretend in my life…sometimes, I never know which mask I’m wearing….again, my selfish me overcomes the real me…
I don’t know why im writing this right now, but all I know is that I’m not as strong as I was before…my life back then was hard and tough…but I never thought that my life which is easier and less tougher right now would be so much complicated….I never know how to have fun, I never laugh so much in my life, and I never felt happier here…but there’s always a catch…
As I’m counting the days to finally meet my mother, I know I should have been grateful enough with I have in life…I never know what I’d do if I was in her shoes back then…would I be as strong as her? I think I cant…as much as friends have told me how strong I am…I never felt the words was right…so much to tell her and so much to ask…but I cant ruin her holiday just for my selfish sake…it just doesn’t feel right…
Its easier to forgive and forget…but what really hurts was to forget what really matters…its easier to say I’m sorry than I forgive you…It never occurred to me to have said so much sorry these days… which I’m glad I did…To those I owe my apologies…I’m really sorry….
The morning breeze really soothes the heart…it’s been awhile since I wanted to jog…but haven’t had the shoes and time to do so…Life is so full of ups and down…you just have to know how to handle it…I know jogging doesn’t help much coz it just shows that I’m actually running away…but I guess its just the way of expressing it…
Life goes on as a spinning wheel…some get it some don’t…its not always easy…if everything was easy as it seems…than I guess there was nothing much more meaningful in life than to die…keep on moving I’d say…there’s much to be grateful than to regret…Even if its killing you in the inside…just smile when it hurts…You know You’ll be ok…
Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK
-Gabrielle, Out of Reach-
written: February 20,2008
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